I read an article on Facebook the other day about a girl that saved her virginity for her wedding night and regretted it. My heart ache for her but I did appreciate her candor. When it comes to sex, it’s a topic many of us want to play down, hush or avoid all together.
My caveat: I have no right to claim that she was not told by her church family that sex was dirty and if she had sex before marriage she’d go to hell. I simply hope she misunderstood the message that is so difficult to properly convey. And at the young age of ten, when boys are still icky and we still play make-believe, it’s very well possible that the message came across distorted.
My post is not directed to the author of the original article. But because the author’s article mentioned that her beliefs played a large role in her decision to remain a virgin until her wedding night, I want to make this clear. I am talking to the ones that are calling themselves Christians, that have been called to a particular lifestyle.
Somewhere, in our true love wait talks and purity commitment cards, we have missed the point. So it should not be that much of a surprise that 70% of teens claiming to be professing believers are sexually active. There is a disconnect, and I am afraid that we as educators, parents and spiritual leaders have created some misunderstandings. (I’m also not here to argue who is responsible for such discussions…another post)
From my personal perspective, here are some misunderstandings to the whole virginity thing.
Misunderstanding #1: Your virginity will ensure a blissful marriage.
Girls, myself included, have been inundated with this idea that if you remain a virgin until your wedding night, God will bless your marriage with MIND-BLOWING sex and a blissful marriage. Great idea, but in my opinion, misleading.
We look at our virginity like a trade-off. God, I will do [abstain] if you give me [a great marriage].
He’s God, not a genie.
Sex isn’t what it’s cracked up to be sometimes. Sex can be awkward with someone and it takes time to perfect. Practice makes perfect right?! And when you are married, you have all the time in the world! Practice away, but don’t think that your virginity is some magic pill that will prevent or protect your marriage from growing pains.
An imperfect person, that’s you, is in a relationship with an imperfect person, that’s them. Sex is important, but it doesn’t make a marriage by itself. My prayer is that your relationship isn’t founded just on physical closeness, but spiritual oneness.
Misunderstanding #2: The only reason to save our virginity is because one day we will be rewarded for our long-suffering through marriage…..oh and you’ll miss out on that pesky STI and the unplanned pregnancy.
Some of you might be scratching your head. That’s it, right?
What about someone who doesn’t get married? Is that command from God to flee from sexual immorality null and void because they decide not to pursue life with a partner? Are they free to do as they please? Scripture tells us that our bodies do not belong to us. The body is a temple, bought at a price by God. The price was the blood of God’s only Son, Jesus.
Yes, God designed sex for the marriage bed but it’s much deeper . Refraining from the carnal desires of our flesh outside of God’s design signifies our OBEDIENCE. We do or don’t do certain things not because of what we may or may not get in return, but because we are called to be obedient to the one that our body belongs to.
And you miss out on those pesky STI’s and unplanned pregnancies.
Misunderstanding #3: Successfully holding on to your virginity makes you a better Christian.
The writer of the original article wrote:
I stood in the hotel bathroom beforehand, wearing my white lingerie, thinking, “I made it. I’m a good Christian.” There was no chorus of angels, no shining light from Heaven. It was just me and my husband in a dark room, fumbling with a condom and a bottle of lube for the first time.
I know a lot of girls that were virgins when they got married and it had nothing to do with their faith. I know lots of girls that are Christians that didn’t wait. Do we really want to gauge our Christian walk on just our virginity? When it comes down to it, this has very little to do with your virginity on your marriage night….ultimately, your heart reveals where your faith lies. So ask yourself: What does your heart crave because where it is, so you will follow.
I understand that it’s easy to see our religious progress by what we are doing or not doing. But people mess up and I’m afraid it’s because of this mentality that those that did miss the mark are so timid to come back to the herd.
Sister, wherever you are in the journey of purity, it’s never too late to start over.